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This is my voice mail. Make your voice... a mail. 🔊
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[venatoris]

Mmm. Fair enough.

[ he flicks another glance up at the ceiling, then shrugs and gives a wry smile. ]

Could go sit on the roof.

[messenger]

[ he looks at dean, and the creases soften around his eyes. ]

Actually, I wanted to ask you a question.

[venatoris]

…sure. What’s up?

[messenger]

... Before the Christmas holiday, we spoke about my. Feelings.

[ castiel quickly glances up, then away again.

he pops the cap of his bottle and drinks. ]

You told me you we open to the idea of...

[ well.

you know. ]

[venatoris]

I remember.

[ he should’ve opted for whiskey, but his beer will do. ]

Yeah, I did. And…?

[messenger]

[ and.

and— ]

I don't know how to want things.

[ his hands tighten around the bottle. they're slippery with condensation. ]

Or how to ask for what I want.

But I know I don't want to be alone here.

[venatoris]

[ this isn’t what he expected when he reached out, but it’s what he got. Dean chews his lip briefly, and takes a messy swig of his beer. ]

You’re not alone here. [ he sets the bottle down and looks at Cas, arms folded. ] Not knowing how to ask or how to want is one thing.

What, exactly, do you want? Start there.

[messenger]

I want you.

[ that makes it sound simple when it's anything but.

but maybe they can pretend it is, for a little while. ]

[venatoris]

[ he has to physically fight the urge to quote Miss Congeniality here, and take a swallow of beer instead. ]

That’s a start. How, um. [ cough ] How do you want me? There’s different ways to want people; friends, more than friends…

[messenger]

We're already friends. Aren't we?

[ he twists the bottle in his hands. ]

I'd like to be able to touch you, in... contexts that it would be inappropriate to touch a friend.

[venatoris]

We are.

[ oh

oh

shit okay. he definitely needs the whiskey, and he gives Cas a ‘hold that thought’ gesture before retrieving a bottle and glasses.

Now. ]

Who have you been talking to?

[messenger]

[ he lets dean get his whiskey without intervention. ]

No one in particular.

[ is dean nervous? he squints. ]

[venatoris]

[ appreciated ]

Huh. Okay.

[ a little. ]

So you’re saying you kiss on the first date?

[messenger]

Um.

[ what.

what.

uh.

what? ]

I'm not. I didn't mean. I— I wasn't talking about. Sex. Specifically.

[ oh boy.

he steps to the side, toward the table where he left the six pack sitting.

he gets another bottle out and pops the cap. then he chugs the rest of the first bottle before starting on the second. ]

[venatoris]

Oh.

[ W H O O P S.

he is bright fucking red. ]

What did you mean then?

[messenger]

[ well, so is cas, so they're even.

he keeps darting glances dean's direction. ]

Not that I'm opposed to— to—

[ he thinks maybe he would like to at least try, but.

he can't imagine how dean feels about all that. dean admitted he can find men attractive, but that's not necessarily the same as wanting to have sex with them.

or actually doing it.

he stares down at the island's silver finish, the kitchen's lights buzzing above. ]

Non-sexual physical intimacy.

[venatoris]

I mean, me either, I just—

[ sure as fuck misread THAT one. ]

Like, uh. Like what? Cmere and give me an example.

[ this is fine ]

[messenger]

[ he should probably learn to word these things better.

but it's not going to help him now. he freezes. then he nods, seemingly to himself, and sets the bottle still clasped in his clammy hand down. he turns, wooden as a board, and walks stiffly in dean's direction without looking at him.

just a glance. that's all he can manage. the moment their eyes meet, he has to fling his gaze away again.

but he can do as dean asks.

castiel steps up close, one shoe interred between dean's socked feet, and leans into his body with his own. their chests and bellies touch. he doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands, so they hover ineptly, but his chin at least finds residence on dean's shoulder. it resolves itself as an awkward sort of half-hug. so awkward, in fact, that dean might not even be able to figure out that's what he's trying to do. ]

[venatoris]

[ well this is the weirdest hug he’s ever deceived. Little different than when he’d grabbed Cas up in purgatory, but he’s… pretty sure that’s what’s happening here.

He thinks. It’s definitely kind of weird, Cas just leaning in and hooking his chin on Dean’s shoulder. It’s gonna take a second for him to put it all together, but he does in the end. He’s smart.

So Dean’s hands drop to fumble for Cas’, lift them up and guide them around his waist before he awkwardly shuffles them free and wraps his own around the angels shoulders. ]

[messenger]

[ yes. that's better.

he knew what he was looking for, but not necessarily how to achieve it. of course he knows the mechanics of an embrace, but to actually do it— to be the one to initiate contact— there are long lists of unspoken rules, and he doesn't know any of them.

but this. this is good. dean's arms are warm. his chest and his belly are warm through the front of his shirt. he can feel the buttons of his flannel, several small impressions in a row. he can feel the way dean's body moves when he breathes, and his heartbeat.

castiel closes his eyes. he tilts his temple against dean's throat.

he lets himself enjoy it. ]

[venatoris]

[ It’s nice. Cas is warm, he’s solid. He feels good.

It could have all so easily been written off as a dude hug if they hadn’t already had certain conversations. There’s no writing it off now - they’ve said too much for Dean to walk it back.

His heart hammers in his chest, wild against his rib cage. Swallowing, he lets his palm smooth over Cas’ back, pass between his shoulder blades and down his spine, resting above the curve of his ass. Not going there yet. ]

‘S nice.

[messenger]

[ castiel hums. it is. nice. he hopes that this action is a suitable illustration of his desires. he's aware there might be something lost in translation. an embrace can be shared between people who have all manner of relationship, non-romantic and non-sexual. and dean has even done it to him on past occasion. but there are different kinds of embraces, he believes, and some are only appropriate with certain people. perhaps this is his way of testing that theory, as their embrace lingers to a length where he's pretty certain it would be considered "awkward" if it weren't for those previously mentioned conversations.

(no, no. it's still awkward.)

but after a certain point, they're no longer hugging, exactly. sooner or later dean will have to admit that this is breaching cuddle territory. ]

[venatoris]

[ It’s fine, they’re just… cuddling standing up. Not weird at all. Just two guys.

Totally normal, totally chill. Super straight things.

Except it’s not, and Cas loves him and Dean kinda wants to cry because people just don’t feel that way about him. It’s not normal and he doesn’t want it to be. Cas is warm and he feels good and Dean’s grip tightens before slowly, carefully easing back.

He doesn’t let go, though. He keeps his hands on Cas’ shoulders, their foreheads pressed together, his eyes closed. ]

Any, uh. Any other examples you wanna share with the class?

[messenger]

[ it's quite a strange thing, to be so close to dean and feel welcome. it's not something that could have happened a year ago. he didn't know that he wanted it, and dean wouldn't have accepted it. the circumstances were all wrong, anyway. everything was falling apart. somewhere, everything is still falling apart. here, though, the bubble won't burst.

these circumstances are...

he doesn't know what to call them. an opportunity.

he watches dean from up close. his eyes don't lose focus, even when dean's face is only inches away. it would be easy to kiss him, but he doesn't for now. ]

... Could we share the bed.

[venatoris]

[ He’s absently sliding his palms up and down Cas’ shoulders now, enjoying the feel of him underneath his hands.

The bed, though. That gives his hands pause. It’s intimate. Maybe more than a kiss. Course, Cas isn’t asking to fuck, just to share the bed and they were basically just cuddling, so there’s not a lot of difference between standing and laying down. Right? ]

Only if you take your shoes off. No shoes in the bed.