[ It’s nice. Cas is warm, he’s solid. He feels good.
It could have all so easily been written off as a dude hug if they hadn’t already had certain conversations. There’s no writing it off now - they’ve said too much for Dean to walk it back.
His heart hammers in his chest, wild against his rib cage. Swallowing, he lets his palm smooth over Cas’ back, pass between his shoulder blades and down his spine, resting above the curve of his ass. Not going there yet. ]
[ castiel hums. it is. nice. he hopes that this action is a suitable illustration of his desires. he's aware there might be something lost in translation. an embrace can be shared between people who have all manner of relationship, non-romantic and non-sexual. and dean has even done it to him on past occasion. but there are different kinds of embraces, he believes, and some are only appropriate with certain people. perhaps this is his way of testing that theory, as their embrace lingers to a length where he's pretty certain it would be considered "awkward" if it weren't for those previously mentioned conversations.
(no, no. it's still awkward.)
but after a certain point, they're no longer hugging, exactly. sooner or later dean will have to admit that this is breaching cuddle territory. ]
[ It’s fine, they’re just… cuddling standing up. Not weird at all. Just two guys.
Totally normal, totally chill. Super straight things.
Except it’s not, and Cas loves him and Dean kinda wants to cry because people just don’t feel that way about him. It’s not normal and he doesn’t want it to be. Cas is warm and he feels good and Dean’s grip tightens before slowly, carefully easing back.
He doesn’t let go, though. He keeps his hands on Cas’ shoulders, their foreheads pressed together, his eyes closed. ]
Any, uh. Any other examples you wanna share with the class?
[ it's quite a strange thing, to be so close to dean and feel welcome. it's not something that could have happened a year ago. he didn't know that he wanted it, and dean wouldn't have accepted it. the circumstances were all wrong, anyway. everything was falling apart. somewhere, everything is still falling apart. here, though, the bubble won't burst.
these circumstances are...
he doesn't know what to call them. an opportunity.
he watches dean from up close. his eyes don't lose focus, even when dean's face is only inches away. it would be easy to kiss him, but he doesn't for now. ]
[ He’s absently sliding his palms up and down Cas’ shoulders now, enjoying the feel of him underneath his hands.
The bed, though. That gives his hands pause. It’s intimate. Maybe more than a kiss. Course, Cas isn’t asking to fuck, just to share the bed and they were basically just cuddling, so there’s not a lot of difference between standing and laying down. Right? ]
Only if you take your shoes off. No shoes in the bed.
[ in the ether, his wings stretch and spread into big broad arcs to accommodate the feeling of being touched, the little sparks of sensation like pinpricks where his humerus meets the shoulder socket. one small bridge between his physical and true self, and dean's hands keep passing through it. again and again.
he misses being able to fly as far and as fast as he can. he misses circling the earth and meeting the sun over the horizon line. he misses the stars, and the vacuum between them. he misses the quiet hum of cosmic background radiation, and the way he could have almost become one with the vibration.
his wings fold down against his back, and he reluctantly pulls himself away to grab the six pack by the handle. ]
he can't have the sky, but he can have dean. almost as though in exchange, it seems. dean smiles at him, and his face lightens, lips twitching into something that isn't quite a smile, but isn't his usual frown, either.
[ shouldn't be doing that? what ever could you mean? castiel is unabashedly watching dean's shameless display, though he's intelligent enough not to comment. it would be best to mirror dean, he decides, and so he takes off his coat and hangs it up, and then he sheds his suit jacket, and then his pants are being unfastened too. unlike dean's jeans, they don't exactly cling around the hips, and the moment his belt is undone they collapse in surrender to the floor, leaving him standing there in his white shirt and jimmy's tighty-whities.
[ he watches dean (paying particular attention to his thighs...) and then mimics him, scooting up the bed and tugging back the blanket so they can both get underneath. ]
does he? that's the problem. he just doesn't know. he has no point of reference when it comes to the question of modern courtship. he only brought this up because he's pretty sure that dean was sharing a bed with one of the last castiels. ]
What kind of things would you consider customary to do with a partner, Dean?
Either way, he’s dropping to pull Cas close, bodies touching, an arm around his shoulders. Lay your head on his chest, Cas. His heart beats for you even if neither of them know it ]
[ it comes as a little bit of a shock. he expects a verbal answer, but still, he catches on and bends enough to to let dean pull him down. shifting around until he can rest easy against him, head pillowed on his soft and sturdy chest. he doesn't need to put his ear to dean's chest cavity to hear his heartbeat, but it resonates at this close distance all the same, each vibration sinking down to the very core of him.
[ It’s pretty intimate. Way more than he’d bargained for when he’d “u up” texted cas. Like it’s cas. He wasn’t expecting a cuddle sesh, though maybe he should have. Cas did say he loves him, after all.
then again, maybe not. he glances up at dean through the fringe of his bangs. ]
Yes. I think so.
[ that probably doesn't sound very confidence inspiring. but he hadn't meant to regale dean with some grandiose confession when the truth came out— he was just trying to figure out how he felt. how he feels.
he still is. he doesn't quite yet understand what it means to be a person. ]
I'm sorry I haven't... been able to give you many specifics. I've never had the opportunity to want something before.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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It could have all so easily been written off as a dude hug if they hadn’t already had certain conversations. There’s no writing it off now - they’ve said too much for Dean to walk it back.
His heart hammers in his chest, wild against his rib cage. Swallowing, he lets his palm smooth over Cas’ back, pass between his shoulder blades and down his spine, resting above the curve of his ass. Not going there yet. ]
‘S nice.
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(no, no. it's still awkward.)
but after a certain point, they're no longer hugging, exactly. sooner or later dean will have to admit that this is breaching cuddle territory. ]
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Totally normal, totally chill. Super straight things.
Except it’s not, and Cas loves him and Dean kinda wants to cry because people just don’t feel that way about him. It’s not normal and he doesn’t want it to be. Cas is warm and he feels good and Dean’s grip tightens before slowly, carefully easing back.
He doesn’t let go, though. He keeps his hands on Cas’ shoulders, their foreheads pressed together, his eyes closed. ]
Any, uh. Any other examples you wanna share with the class?
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these circumstances are...
he doesn't know what to call them. an opportunity.
he watches dean from up close. his eyes don't lose focus, even when dean's face is only inches away. it would be easy to kiss him, but he doesn't for now. ]
... Could we share the bed.
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The bed, though. That gives his hands pause. It’s intimate. Maybe more than a kiss. Course, Cas isn’t asking to fuck, just to share the bed and they were basically just cuddling, so there’s not a lot of difference between standing and laying down. Right? ]
Only if you take your shoes off. No shoes in the bed.
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[ in the ether, his wings stretch and spread into big broad arcs to accommodate the feeling of being touched, the little sparks of sensation like pinpricks where his humerus meets the shoulder socket. one small bridge between his physical and true self, and dean's hands keep passing through it. again and again.
he misses being able to fly as far and as fast as he can. he misses circling the earth and meeting the sun over the horizon line. he misses the stars, and the vacuum between them. he misses the quiet hum of cosmic background radiation, and the way he could have almost become one with the vibration.
his wings fold down against his back, and he reluctantly pulls himself away to grab the six pack by the handle. ]
Okay.
[ ... now?? yes. he means right now. ]
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He’s gonna have to have another come to jesus with himself later.
His hands fall, and he clears his throat, stepping back and flashes a crooked smile, cheeks pink under constellations of freckles. ]
Okay then. Cmon.
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he can't have the sky, but he can have dean. almost as though in exchange, it seems. dean smiles at him, and his face lightens, lips twitching into something that isn't quite a smile, but isn't his usual frown, either.
in dean's room, he slips out of his shoes. ]
I should take the coat off, too.
[ it's a question framed as a statement.
but it's definitely a question. ]
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Too late, because he’s ass up working them off where they’re caught at his feet, only righting himself when he’s done, unsteady on his feet. ]
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
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castiel blinks exactly once. ]
Your underwear is different from mine.
[ bravo. wonderful deductive work. ]
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[ because lmao.
He stands there awkwardly for a few moments, then resolutely walks over to the bed and sits on the edge. ]
Cmon.
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[ are you saying you want to take off his underwear, dean
but he follows dean to the bed and perches on the edge next to him despite all the questions crowding his mind. ]
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[ oh god don’t he might run screaming ]
Okay, uh. [ He feasts to look at the bed, chewing his lower lip and scoots back, tugging at the blanket. ]
Get under.
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[ he watches dean (paying particular attention to his thighs...) and then mimics him, scooting up the bed and tugging back the blanket so they can both get underneath. ]
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Okay. Um. Any..other examples?
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he stares at dean.
oh. right.
about what he asked for.
does he? that's the problem. he just doesn't know. he has no point of reference when it comes to the question of modern courtship. he only brought this up because he's pretty sure that dean was sharing a bed with one of the last castiels. ]
What kind of things would you consider customary to do with a partner, Dean?
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Uh…things Like if.. you were my new boyfriend?
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[ DEAN? ]
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Yes, okay. That's what I'm asking.
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Or maybe don’t
Either way, he’s dropping to pull Cas close, bodies touching, an arm around his shoulders. Lay your head on his chest, Cas. His heart beats for you even if neither of them know it ]
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he places his cool hand on dean's stomach. ]
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Soaking of. ]
You really love me?
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then again, maybe not. he glances up at dean through the fringe of his bangs. ]
Yes. I think so.
[ that probably doesn't sound very confidence inspiring. but he hadn't meant to regale dean with some grandiose confession when the truth came out— he was just trying to figure out how he felt. how he feels.
he still is. he doesn't quite yet understand what it means to be a person. ]
I'm sorry I haven't... been able to give you many specifics. I've never had the opportunity to want something before.
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[ ‘think’ isn’t the same as ‘yes’ but it’s okay because it’s the closest he’ll get to someone giving a damn, probably ever. ]
It’s all good.
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