[ he lets dean help him up, slips back into his wet boots, tosses his boxers in the bag, and allows dean to lead the way while he's distracted by his thoughts, too tired not to let himself be. replaying the scene in his mind and wincing at his own brusqueness, feeling strange, and guilty, and curiously distant from dean in the moment.
there's a path of flattened grass that leads away from the edge of the cliff, formations of earth disturbing the immediate landscape. tikal had been on a plateau, and even though it fell, there are aspects of the surroundings that still reflect that. rocky outcroppings, and the like. they can hide behind one of those. ]
[ Dean feels a little silly in nothing but his damp boots, flannel
and coat draped over Cas' shoulders, and he's kinda chuckling to himself
about it as they move. God, they must look a sight. ]
Oh man, rocks...think we can sun like lizards and warm up?
[ cas is trying not to think about how he looks; his pride can't take it. it's probably the first time since they've arrived that he truly misses his old clothes— he doesn't feel like himself. when he thinks about it, he realizes he doesn't feel particularly good at all, and not just physically. everything seems to have gone immediately back to normal, and he should be grateful, but something's not right. something's eating at him, and he can't name it.
he thought— he doesn't know. he doesn't know what he thought. he doesn't know what he expects from this situation. he doesn't know what he's supposed to do.
his attention snags when dean speaks, and he lifts his eyes from where they'd drifted toward the ground. ]
It's definitely a good spot to dry these clothes, that's for sure.
[ provided the sun is out, anyway.
He sets about rummaging in his duffle and spreading all of the soaked items (everything) out on the rocks, kicking his boots off and setting them up, too. It'll take forever to dry, but man he wants dry shoes. Ugh. ]
Hopefully it doesn't take forever for our stuff to dry out.
[ he helps dean pull the wet clothes from the bag and spread them out, kicking off his shoes in the meantime, pausing to sway every so often as his exhaustion catches up with him. the sun is flitting between the clouds, and it's on the cooler side today. the breeze making him just chilly enough to be uncomfortable. but they'll still dry faster there than they would on the grass.
he sits down on the edge of one of the rocks. ]
Dean, if you want— if you still want to do that. We can.
[ They don't have a lot, but there's enough clothes in there to share for a little while, until they can get Cas some new stuff to wear. Besides, Dean kinda likes seeing Cas in his stuff.
He looks up at Cas and flashes a little smile as he arranges one of his shirts on the rock. ]
Do you want to? Didn't really get the feeling you wanted me down there.
[ cas chews his lip, hands folded in his lap, eyes on dean. he doesn't know how to explain how he's feeling, or whether it's a good idea to put these ideas out into the open. it'd be easier to fake it— he's sure he would enjoy himself once he got into it. how could he not? but he's so exhausted, he can't be bothered to try to keep up the charade for long enough for it to stop being a charade.
he looks down, not quite at himself, and frowns. ]
I'm feeling— self-conscious about this body.
[ not in the sense that there's anything wrong with it— it just doesn't feel like it belongs to him right now.
[ He frowns a little, leaving the shirt where it is and picking his way over to Cas, leaning on the rock next to him. ]
Why?
[ It's a very nice body, and despite it belonging to Jimmy originally, Dean's kinda always thought Cas had sorta...reclaimed it. Jimmy's long gone, and God or whoever kept putting Cas back into it. That means something, right?
Maybe. Maybe not. It's not Dean's body so he doesn't really have any say. ]
What you... what you saw. Before. When I transformed. That's as close to the real me as you'll ever see.
[ it's kind of sad, putting it that way; he doesn't mind that this is dean's impression of him. it's still him inhabiting it, and yes, he's certainly claimed it. he wouldn't want another body. he likes this body. but after that—
there's such a wide discrepancy. sometimes he almost forgets what he is.
castiel looks way, rubs his eyes with his fingers. ]
Don't, don't say that, I want you to be able to talk to me.
[ It's almost insulting Cas even said it, but that isn't the pressing issue here. ]
Dude, that transformation was badass. [ for freakin' real. Dean studies Cas, shifts so he can face him properly, reaching to slides his fingers through his hair. ]
You were this huge, terrifyingly beautiful creature. I've never seen anything like it. It was awesome.
[ it's embarrassing, but his eyes go a little misty. he's just tired— it's fine. it's fine. he swallows around the feeling, but can't quite choke it all the way down where he won't have to feel it anymore, so he's left with it lingering.
[ castiel leans against dean's shoulder when he's guided to, trying not to sigh. dean will always think it's his responsibility to make him feel better: he's like that with everyone who he considers family. and, well, he doesn't want him to have to go to the trouble. dean should be spending his time on someone better. someone who's worth this. ]
I—
[ he doesn't know what to say to that, but he almost blushes. ]
Dean, which... me do you most prefer? I don't just mean that, [ his transformation, ] but over the past few years, I've...
[ he's been a lot of people. surely, dean has a preference. ]
[ well, that's an illuminating answer. he presses his lips together in an almost-smile. ]
Never mind.
[ it doesn't matter, anyway. he's pretty sure dean would have answered that way even if he did understand; even if he didn't mean it. but it would be nice to have an idea of what he should strive for. which direction he should go in. ]
[ he'd like to get moving, but seeing as they have to wait for their clothes to dry, there's nothing they can do but camp here for the moment. maybe he should try to sleep. it doesn't seem very likely they're going to have sex now, no matter how much he wants to.
It matters. What you think, what you feel, matters, Cas. Okay? It matters to me.
[ And it kinda hurts Cas blows that off, like it doesn't, like the things he thinks and feels aren't important. It might be what Cas thinks, but it isn't true. Not at all. ]
[ he shouldn't have said anything. he's not sure why he does this to himself, but sometimes he gets sick of dean's defense of him. sometimes he wants to know what he really thinks, beyond the platitudes of friendship, beyond everything he denies to himself. he wishes he had paid closer attention when dean was still angry— when he was still out of his head, before purgatory. maybe he would have learned something.
as nice as it is for dean to say that, he's wrong. ]
You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know it matters. You matter.
[ Dean has trouble showing emotions sometimes, has a hard time expressing his feelings without sarcasm or a self-deprecating quip. All this, whatever it is between them, is probably a disaster in the making. Two self-hating individuals locked into one another, orbiting one another...
Only a matter of time until they collide and destroy everything around them. ]
You matter to me, [ he emphasizes, just in case it isn't clear. He'll drop it now, though his hold tightens around Cas, nose dropping into his hair to breathe him in, sweat and grime and dust and all. ]
[ they have the time, anyway. he lets dean hold onto him for a little longer before extricating himself, standing from the edge of the rock where they've been sitting. he situates himself on the ground in front of it, the earth spongy beneath him when he lies down on his side, knees tucked up to his chest.
normally, they'd lie like this together, but... ]
You'll have to keep watch. Wake me in an hour, and we can trade places.
[ it's probably the first time he's found himself thinking that it might be nice if benny were here— but then he imagines him listening in on the conversation they just had and quickly changes his mind. ]
[ he sleeps, and has strange dreams. he's never liked that, the dreaming. when he wakes, it's with the past fresh in his head, which is never a good thing when it comes to him. nor is he surprised to find that dean let him sleep too long, but when he picks himself up off the ground, he makes no comment.
truth be told, he doesn't feel all that rested. there's a pressure behind his eyes, and his head feels foggy. but he probably won't fall asleep on his feet now. and maybe he'll get lucky, and dean will actually want to— it doesn't matter. why is he thinking about it so much?
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there's a path of flattened grass that leads away from the edge of the cliff, formations of earth disturbing the immediate landscape. tikal had been on a plateau, and even though it fell, there are aspects of the surroundings that still reflect that. rocky outcroppings, and the like. they can hide behind one of those. ]
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[ Dean feels a little silly in nothing but his damp boots, flannel and coat draped over Cas' shoulders, and he's kinda chuckling to himself about it as they move. God, they must look a sight. ]
Oh man, rocks...think we can sun like lizards and warm up?
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he thought— he doesn't know. he doesn't know what he thought. he doesn't know what he expects from this situation. he doesn't know what he's supposed to do.
his attention snags when dean speaks, and he lifts his eyes from where they'd drifted toward the ground. ]
Uh... I dunno. Maybe?
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[ provided the sun is out, anyway.
He sets about rummaging in his duffle and spreading all of the soaked items (everything) out on the rocks, kicking his boots off and setting them up, too. It'll take forever to dry, but man he wants dry shoes. Ugh. ]
Hopefully it doesn't take forever for our stuff to dry out.
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he sits down on the edge of one of the rocks. ]
Dean, if you want— if you still want to do that. We can.
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He looks up at Cas and flashes a little smile as he arranges one of his shirts on the rock. ]
Do you want to? Didn't really get the feeling you wanted me down there.
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he looks down, not quite at himself, and frowns. ]
I'm feeling— self-conscious about this body.
[ not in the sense that there's anything wrong with it— it just doesn't feel like it belongs to him right now.
probably because it doesn't. it never has. ]
I can't... watch you without looking at it.
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Why?
[ It's a very nice body, and despite it belonging to Jimmy originally, Dean's kinda always thought Cas had sorta...reclaimed it. Jimmy's long gone, and God or whoever kept putting Cas back into it. That means something, right?
Maybe. Maybe not. It's not Dean's body so he doesn't really have any say. ]
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[ it's kind of sad, putting it that way; he doesn't mind that this is dean's impression of him. it's still him inhabiting it, and yes, he's certainly claimed it. he wouldn't want another body. he likes this body. but after that—
there's such a wide discrepancy. sometimes he almost forgets what he is.
castiel looks way, rubs his eyes with his fingers. ]
Sorry. You don't need to hear this.
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[ It's almost insulting Cas even said it, but that isn't the pressing issue here. ]
Dude, that transformation was badass. [ for freakin' real. Dean studies Cas, shifts so he can face him properly, reaching to slides his fingers through his hair. ]
You were this huge, terrifyingly beautiful creature. I've never seen anything like it. It was awesome.
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his voice is soft when he speaks, as a result. ]
I'm glad you liked it.
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[ He pets Cas' hair gently, carefully inching his way closer, until he's able to slip his arm around Cas' shoulders. ]
I liked your eyeballs.
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I—
[ he doesn't know what to say to that, but he almost blushes. ]
Dean, which... me do you most prefer? I don't just mean that, [ his transformation, ] but over the past few years, I've...
[ he's been a lot of people. surely, dean has a preference. ]
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[ Dean pulls the angel in against his chest, playing with his hair, letting his cheek rest against Cas' head. ]
What d'you mean? I like you, dude. I don't really know what you mean by that question.
[ a lot of people sure, but he's always been Cas. ]
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Never mind.
[ it doesn't matter, anyway. he's pretty sure dean would have answered that way even if he did understand; even if he didn't mean it. but it would be nice to have an idea of what he should strive for. which direction he should go in. ]
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[ Cas can be hard to read sometimes, and the almost smile is a good sign, but the 'never mind' has him a little worried. ]
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[ he'd like to get moving, but seeing as they have to wait for their clothes to dry, there's nothing they can do but camp here for the moment. maybe he should try to sleep. it doesn't seem very likely they're going to have sex now, no matter how much he wants to.
but it's not about what he wants. ]
I don't think there is a right answer.
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[ And it kinda hurts Cas blows that off, like it doesn't, like the things he thinks and feels aren't important. It might be what Cas thinks, but it isn't true. Not at all. ]
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[ he shouldn't have said anything. he's not sure why he does this to himself, but sometimes he gets sick of dean's defense of him. sometimes he wants to know what he really thinks, beyond the platitudes of friendship, beyond everything he denies to himself. he wishes he had paid closer attention when dean was still angry— when he was still out of his head, before purgatory. maybe he would have learned something.
as nice as it is for dean to say that, he's wrong. ]
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[ Dean has trouble showing emotions sometimes, has a hard time expressing his feelings without sarcasm or a self-deprecating quip. All this, whatever it is between them, is probably a disaster in the making. Two self-hating individuals locked into one another, orbiting one another...
Only a matter of time until they collide and destroy everything around them. ]
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I know you care, Dean.
[ is he worried he thinks he doesn't? dean always takes everything so personally. ]
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How you feelin'?
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[ they have the time, anyway. he lets dean hold onto him for a little longer before extricating himself, standing from the edge of the rock where they've been sitting. he situates himself on the ground in front of it, the earth spongy beneath him when he lies down on his side, knees tucked up to his chest.
normally, they'd lie like this together, but... ]
You'll have to keep watch. Wake me in an hour, and we can trade places.
[ it's probably the first time he's found himself thinking that it might be nice if benny were here— but then he imagines him listening in on the conversation they just had and quickly changes his mind. ]
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[ Dean can keep watch. He's exhausted, but not like Cas is. Seeing him sleep is always unnerving, since most of the time, he doesn't need to. ]
Get some rest.
[ He'll do a small perimeter check, make sure there's no monsters around, then settle in beside Cas, and wait.
He lets him sleep a lot longer than an hour, though. Angel baby seems to need it. ]
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truth be told, he doesn't feel all that rested. there's a pressure behind his eyes, and his head feels foggy. but he probably won't fall asleep on his feet now. and maybe he'll get lucky, and dean will actually want to— it doesn't matter. why is he thinking about it so much?
he sits down near dean, rubbing his eyes. ]
You can rest now, if you want.
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lol cas 'HURRY THE FUCK UP'
FUCK HIM!!!!!
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what the hell did i do to the second sentence of that second paragraph lmfao
lmfao
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